I first heard of retired husband syndrome at a book signing event in 2013. From across the booth, I watched a black-haired young man stare at the back of my newly-published book. He turned it over to the front, opened to the table of contents, flipped a few pages, and turned it over again.
Until that point, he looked like other book-browsers – look at front, flip to back, front again, flip again. Some would then take it to the register, while others set it back on the shelf, but the whole decision took less than 2 minutes. This young man took so long reading, I wondered if he might consume the whole book right there. Then I quit watching, distracted by conversation with another attendee.
When I turned back to look for him, he was gone. Figuring he had decided against it, I was surprised a couple of hours later to see he was the first in line at the book signing.
Retired Husband Syndrome – in South Korea
Approaching with an enthusiastic smile, he said “Hello” in a heavy Asian accent. I asked more about him. He was from Seoul, South Korea, and said that he thought my book would be helpful to his male clients. Unsure whether I should be offended that he was excluding the female ones, I readied my pen to sign, but asked him to tell me more.
“In Asia, we have Retired Husband Syndrome (RHS),” he said.
“I’ve never heard of that. What is it?” I asked, putting the pen down.
“Some husbands spend their whole lives working for a company, and when they retire, they are at home, and it is not good for the marriage. The husband loses his identity because he is not in his job anymore, and he wants to be home with his wife. The wife has been at home her whole life, but she doesn’t like the husband being there, doing nothing.”
“So sometimes the retired husbands do…nothing? They don’t at least play golf, or go fishing with their friends?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Wow. So you must see a lot of marriage problems in your practice?”
“Yes! And it is too bad. They have a pension, but the couples never spend time planning what they will do.” He explained more about the strain on the marriage; the sadness he sees at a time when there could be great joy and celebration; and the effect on their children and the families. This makes me sad. Sometimes I am going to be the only person outside of the family who might see it. All of the financial advisors in Seoul could help people with this. This is preventable.”
Retirement Planning Is More Than Money
I once heard a conference speaker say, “We spend more time planning what we’re going to eat for lunch than planning the next 30 years.” Since that book-signing, I’ve met husbands, wives, singles, straight, and LGBT pre-retirees, admitting they are at risk for catching something like RHS. Due to longer life expectancy than ever, Retired Husband Syndrome in Asia might be called just Retired Syndrome in America.
It helps to clarify how you might spend the bounty of time that, fingers crossed against Covid, increased longevity will likely bring. If you need help planning a fulfilling retirement, find a financial professional or coach who takes as much interest in your time as they do in your money. Help stop the spread of one type of preventable international syndrome, and help your future happiness even more.
For help on finding meaning and fulfillment in retirement, check out:
Dori Mintzer and Roberta Taylor’s book, The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations at https://amzn.to/2ufD70Z
John Nelson’s book, What Color Is Your Parachute? For Retirement –https://www.amazon.com/What-Color-Parachute-Retirement-Second/dp/158008205X
or Mitch Anthony’s The New Retirementality – https://amzn.to/2HrmZCh.
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