How to let go of money self-doubt:
What is money self-doubt
Money self-doubt is an inner belief that one cannot trust themselves with a decision about money.
Sometimes these beliefs operate in the background, quietly driving decisions when we don’t realize it.
Other times they’re front and center.
What does money self-doubt sound like?
Money self-doubt beliefs often sound like critical messages:
- “I knew I’d screw it up.”
- “I’ll never be good with money.”
- “If I can’t manage my own finances, I’m a failure.”
- “Why am I so stupid with money?”
Money Self-Doubt Origins
Where does money self-doubt come from?
It could be a single traumatic event or a repetition of harmful moments that lead to flawed beliefs about our financial capabilities. One time being taken by a scammer, or many times being told by an abuser we aren’t capable.
Without counterbalancing mantras like,
- “You’re still OK.”
- “You just made a mistake.”
- “You can do this.”
the self-doubt can take hold.
Society and media also don’t help, offering a choice of money self-image as either, “good with money,” or not. Individual instruction is rarely given in school, or in families, much to our society’s detriment. While financial professionals are often proficient in finance, many are not good educators. A few even try to make money more complex than it is, to keep clients feeling less than sure about themselves.
Case Study: Sondra (not her real name) is a highly educated and accomplished professional. Her parents came from Depression-era families where money was tight in their younger years. Money was never talked about in Sondra’s home, although she was given everything she needed. She grew up with the belief that her parents didn’t discuss it with her because they believed money was something she was not capable of handling. When she went to talk with a financial advisor, he threw so much jargon at her that she was too uncomfortable to admit she didn’t understand what he was talking about.
Money Self-Doubt Results
Without realizing these beliefs exist, we can allow them to influence what actions we take or fail to take. Self-doubt can affect who we allow into our lives, and who we don’t. It can affect our choice of career. Or how we spend, or choose not to, on our own needs, wants, and wishes. Ironically, money self-doubt can lead to overspending with some people, and over-deprivation with others.
Sondra chose a career where she was assured a salary and the chance of a bonus if she worked hard enough. She worked longer hours than she wanted to. She lived minimally, foregoing many comforts and rewards of her hard work. Her dreams of having more work-life balance were put on hold because she never felt financially secure. In her personal life, she chose friends and partners who also didn’t talk about money, leaving a gap in her closest relationships.
How To Let Go of Money Self-Doubt
If you’ve been operating under flawed assumptions, and now you know it, you’ve taken the first step to reset your relationship with money.
What else can you do? Here are 4 suggestions:
1) Be aware of body messages. Self-doubt, sometimes manifesting as shame, has a feeling to it. It might be tightness in the chest, throat construction, shortness of breath, nausea or butterflies. Instead of trying to get rid of the feeling, breathe through it and name it: “I am feeling shame/doubt about a money issue.” Redirect your thoughts to positive truths: You are smart. You are capable. You know how to ask for help. This is something you can handle.
2) Ask yourself a simple question: “Is this true?”
For example if you have a belief that “I’ll never be good with money,” and you had to prove that in a court of law, what evidence do you have? Sometimes asking this question can be one way to help our brain separate facts from fictional beliefs.
3) Call someone supportive to talk about your feelings. (But make sure they truly are supportive.) If you’d like professional help specifically about money psychology, check out the Financial Therapy Association.
4) Become aware of those in your life who are too willing to reinforce doubt-based messages – family members, partners, friends, or even (especially) financial professionals. Instead, seek the company of those who say, “I am confident you can handle this,” and will walk alongside you, not put themselves ahead or above you.
After talking with a friend, Sondra decided to educate herself about money. She began to read books that explained things simply, and take online courses that took a simple approach. Patiently, she interviewed many financial professionals. The more she talked about money, the more confident she became. In the end, she found someone who prioritized her financial education and independence. She began to feel more secure, and gained the courage to consider a daring career move.
The Gift of Letting Go
Letting go of money self-doubt can be one of the greatest gifts we give ourselves to reach peace and security about our financial future.
For more on unspoken money messages see Chapters 2 and 3 of The Mindful Money Mentality: How to Find Balance in Your Financial Future, or this 5-minute video with mental health counselor Ken Donaldson on Money Shame.