Scared of Financial Success?

At one point in my banking career I was in line for a big promotion that involved a panel interview, and I blew it. People who served on the panel couldn’t believe the same person showed up for the interview who showed up for work every day. Instead of feeling pride and confidence when I first heard about the opportunity, I remember feeling discomfort and anxiety with the new title and bonus potential. It made no sense. Because I thought I might be given the opportunity again, I spent the following year working on the internal and external sources of my fear of success. I improved my inner confidence by joining Toastmasters (see that story here); and I improved my external messages by consciously surrounding myself with people who gave me joy and support. It worked: the next year, I aced it, and got the promotion.

Research on our messages about money has uncovered that some people may have an inner upper limit they have set on financial success. Past that limit, they become uncomfortable. Unknowingly, they will begin to sabotage themselves.  According to Ken Donaldson, LMHC, an emotional intelligence expert in Seminole Florida and author of Marry Yourself First , the upper limit is set by “history, events, programming, parents, institutions and cultural messages.”

Financial professionals often see this with windfalls. When someone has been handed a great deal more money than they have had before, and are uncomfortable with their new position, they may spend it or give it away until they are back in the financial position where they first started. Still others allow the windfall to sit in an account, untouched, unwilling to acknowledge its presence. For some people, the windfall can represent a real or imagined radical change in lifestyle and in relationships. It may give them a new self-identity, and they need time to grieve their old one. Meanwhile, some in their circles will accept them as they are, while others try to drag them down.

To address fear of success, self-made or not, work needs to be done on both inside and outside factors. Two steps in this direction: First, write your feelings about your new position today, then imagine how you would like to be spending your life three years from now. Second, surround yourself only with people who bring you joy and support. This may mean saying “no” to people whom you previously said “yes” to, detaching from them in a loving way.

Keep the messages of confidence flowing – from the inside and out – to embrace success, rather than ruin it.

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Having “The Visit” At the Holidays

For many families, the holidays are one of the few times when adult kids, parents, grandkids, and grandparents get to see each other. That time together might be the best time to have a planned “Visit.” There are two common topics for the Visit: 1) finances; and 2) health and home. Today’s post will deal with finances. Next week I will have a guest post from Monica Stynchula, LCSW and CEO of ReunionCare, about health and home.

Members of the Greatest Generation are notorious for keeping quiet about money. Yet, as they reach old age, their Baby Boomer kids begin to wonder, “Do Mom and Dad have enough money to live on?” “What if they need in-home care?” “What if they need to make modifications to their home?” “Did they really need those $5000 new windows, or are they being scammed and not know it?” “If I had to pay bills for them, where do they keep their money?” “What if they have money or accounts stashed somewhere and they forget about it?”

Some parents may discourage the money topic by cutting conversations about it short. Perhaps they do not want to acknowledge their own mortality. Perhaps they are embarrassed about falling victim to a scam already. Perhaps they see all of their kids as spendthrifts who will not be responsible (regardless of their age, education, and career status). Perhaps they are afraid of having the keys to their car, or their home, taken away. And it’s not always the parents that don’t want to talk about it. Sometimes the adult kids are uncomfortable talking about their parents’ mortality, and they are the ones cutting off the communication.

Regardless, every time the topic, and its underlying emotion, is avoided, it feeds an elephant in the living room. If not acknowledged, it stays there, and gets bigger, until a crisis erupts, and everyone is forced to talk about it under duress.

How do you bring up the money topic before a crisis? Try owning your discomfort about it up front. “There’s something I am struggling with talking to you about,” might be a good beginning, for example. Then let them know what you want to talk about: “There are two main concerns that keep coming up for me, and I need your help.” However, if they still shut down, keep your cool, and ​be empathetic: “I​f I were in your shoes, I would find this hard to talk about, too. Perhaps this wasn’t the best time to bring it up.” ​Try writing them a letter instead to keep the conversation going.

​​But, ​if you find the discussion goes even better than you thought, let them know how relieved you are: “Wow, I was so worried about talking to you about this, but I feel better now.” You may find you have paved the way for more open conversation, and even happier holidays with the family, in the future.

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