When She is Better Off Than He Is
Some couples find finances difficult to discuss when she is better off than he is. According to the website FiveThirtyEight, 40% of women now earn more than their husbands. In the July/August 2019 issue of Psychology Today, Esther Perel, a New York psychotherapist, said that women's liberation has freed them from dependence on men. "But it hasn't prepared women for men's dependence on them. Women often have a lot of resentment when they find themselves responsible in the way men have for generations." In an October 2013 blog post, "Why Wealthy Divorced Women Don't Remarry and Men Do" dating coach Evan Marc Katz wondered whether women might rethink their expectations for the man's financial contribution to the relationship. This makes sense especially when all other aspects of the relationship are equal. After all, many wealthy men remarry to women who are not as financially well off, and why? Companionship, compatibility, and physical attraction. If a wealthy man is happy to pick up the tab for trips and dinners, why aren't wealthy women? A Couple of Fictional Cases A few years ago, I asked my licensed mental health counselor husband, Ken Donaldson (shameless plug, he's also author of Marry Yourself First: Say "I Do" to a Life of Passion, Power, Purpose & Prosperity) a series of questions based on two fictional composite case studies. With over 30 years' experience in couples counseling, he gave his thoughts in the Q&A section below. Alan and Donna: Donna is a 53-year-old professor who became disabled after an accident. Her disability is not evident to most people, but at any moment she could be hospitalized. She received a large settlement from the accident. She is making a new life for herself and wants to live well while she can. Alan, her 55-year-old boyfriend, is a painter. He is a handsome romantic and kind to her. Alan does not know Donna's financial situation. He does know he cannot always afford the restaurants where Donna wants to eat, though. Much of the time she picks up the tab. They both feel awkward about it. Janet and Harold: Janet is a 52 year old retired author. Her books have sold enough copies that she can live comfortably without working. Her boyfriend, 58-year-old Harold, had an IT career before he was downsized. Since then he has not found a new job or career that seems to be a good fit. Janet loves Harold's athleticism, his sense of humor and tenderness. They connect on many levels. The problem is, she wants to travel with him to places like Australia, Alaska, and Europe. Neither Harold nor Janet like the idea of Janet paying for the whole trip. Harold does not know Janet's financial situation, but he does know she is better off than he is. Q & A With Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson, LMHC Q: How does avoidance of the activities that both couples want to do affect their relationship? A: This would only add to distance in the relationships. Although…