mindful money mentality

Scared of Financial Success?

At one point in my banking career I was in line for a big promotion that involved a panel interview, and I blew it. People who served on the panel couldn’t believe the same person showed up for the interview who showed up for work every day. Instead of feeling pride and confidence when I first heard about the opportunity, I remember feeling discomfort and anxiety with the new title and bonus potential. It made no sense. Because I thought I might be given the opportunity again, I spent the following year working on the internal and external sources of my fear of success. I improved my inner confidence by joining Toastmasters (see that story here); and I improved my external messages by consciously surrounding myself with people who gave me joy and support. It worked: the next year, I aced it, and got the promotion.

Research on our messages about money has uncovered that some people may have an inner upper limit they have set on financial success. Past that limit, they become uncomfortable. Unknowingly, they will begin to sabotage themselves.  According to Ken Donaldson, LMHC, an emotional intelligence expert in Seminole Florida and author of Marry Yourself First , the upper limit is set by “history, events, programming, parents, institutions and cultural messages.”

Financial professionals often see this with windfalls. When someone has been handed a great deal more money than they have had before, and are uncomfortable with their new position, they may spend it or give it away until they are back in the financial position where they first started. Still others allow the windfall to sit in an account, untouched, unwilling to acknowledge its presence. For some people, the windfall can represent a real or imagined radical change in lifestyle and in relationships. It may give them a new self-identity, and they need time to grieve their old one. Meanwhile, some in their circles will accept them as they are, while others try to drag them down.

To address fear of success, self-made or not, work needs to be done on both inside and outside factors. Two steps in this direction: First, write your feelings about your new position today, then imagine how you would like to be spending your life three years from now. Second, surround yourself only with people who bring you joy and support. This may mean saying “no” to people whom you previously said “yes” to, detaching from them in a loving way.

Keep the messages of confidence flowing – from the inside and out – to embrace success, rather than ruin it.

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What Were Your Generation’s Money Messages?

Members of the Greatest Generation are famous for their frugal habits, sometimes to the frustration of their Baby Boomer kids.   It can be hard to understand why Mom or Dad refuse to part with Ziploc bags and empty shoeboxes, or why they will not buy something nice for themselves. Many of us recognize that these habits probably evolved after being raised in a time of true scarcity – the Great Depression.  What I didn’t know until recently was how this money mentality was reinforced by our government throughout World War II. A baby boomer friend recently showed me a historic relic I had only read about but never seen: a war ration coupon book, issued in 1943. It belonged to his mother, born in 1928.

1943 War Ration Book with frugal messages
1943 War Ration Book – front
1943 war ration book - back with frugal messages
1943 War Ration Book – back

The language and tone on the ration book is striking. Authoritarian, even threatening. If you had been a young person holding this ration book, what money messages might you have received? My own thoughts, if it were me at that time, are below.

“Rationing is a vital part of your country’s war effort. Any attempt to violate the rules is an effort to deny someone his share and will create hardship and help the enemy.” (Yikes! Both of those sound pretty bad. I’ll comply.)

“This book is your Government’s assurance of your right to buy your fair share of certain goods made scarce by war. Price ceilings have been established for your protection. Dealers must post these prices conspicuously. Don’t pay more.” (Those evil dealers/merchants. They’re always trying to get us to pay more than what’s fair.)

“Be guided by the rule: ‘If you don’t need it, DON’T BUY IT.’ ” (Right! I got through the last ten years with one pair of shoes; the next pair can last that long, too.)

Contrast the last message to the one to “go shopping” following the 9/11 attacks.  The word “ration” itself is used 9 times on the outside of the book, plus on every stamp in the book. Other scarcity terms pervade: “This book is valuable. Do not lose it.” “Without the stamps you will be unable to purchase those goods.” “Do not throw this book away…You may be required to present it…”

You may ask what self-respecting Americans would have put up with this rationing garbage. Yet, at the time, the government had been given credit for bringing us out of the Depression. We had been attacked by Japan, and German U-boats were off our coastlines. Who else would you turn to for protection? If you wanted “rationed goods,” (many of them household staples), the government was the provider, unless you wanted to risk a $10,000 fine (a lot of money now, and in 1943?), imprisonment, or both. Stiff penalties awaited noncompliant rule-breakers. From this place of fear, a message of scarcity to a Depression-battered generation must have seemed natural, even patriotic.

Money messages from authority make the most impact in our formative years, and in times of fear. It depends on who we view at the time as authority: parents, teachers, coaches, pulpits, and government. In response, we adapt the best habits we can in the interest of self-preservation. The trick is to continue to ask ourselves, as times change, are these habits still serving us well? Are they helping us lead a happy, fulfilling life, enhancing relationships with those around us? Or are they keeping us trapped by unhealthy attachment to money, possessions, or fear itself?

Need help identifying your money messages? Try books by Rick Kahler, CFP, Brad Klontz, Ph.D., and Ted Klontz, Ph.D., and read Chapter 2 of The Mindful Money Mentality: How to Find Balance in Your Financial Future.

 

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Financial Success: Too Hot to Handle?

Have you ever known someone who spent or gave away a windfall, seemingly believing they didn’t “deserve” it? Or were they scared to have more than they ever had?

In a recent meeting, a client shared stories of times when she committed financial self-sabotage. When she was on a tear, making what she considered to be “a lot” of money, she began to slow down. The success felt uncomfortable.

T. Harv Eker, author of The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, talks about an “inner-money thermostat,” an inner upper limit we have set on financial success.  According to Ken Donaldson, LMHC, an emotional intelligence expert in Seminole Florida and author of Marry Yourself First , the thermostat is set by “history, events, programming, parents, institutions and cultural messages.”

At one point in my banking career, my thermostat got too hot, too. I was in line for a big promotion that involved a panel interview, and I blew it. People who worked with me couldn’t believe the same Holly showed up for the interview who showed up for work every day. Instead of feeling pride and confidence in the opportunity, I remember discomfort and anxiety. It made no sense.

Because I thought I might be given the opportunity again, I spent the following year working on the internal and external sources of my thermostat. I improved my inner confidence by joining Toastmasters; and I improved my external messages by consciously surrounding myself with people who gave me joy and support. It worked: the next year, I aced it, and got the promotion.

What if you know someone who seems uncomfortable with what they have either earned or been given? Try asking five questions:

1) What money messages do you remember from childhood?

2) Imagine you freely embraced all the financial success that comes your way for the next three years. When that occurs, how will you be spending your life?

3) What would you think about keeping a journal of every unexpected windfall and success you experience for the next 12 months?

4) What one thing could you focus on for those 12 months that would go the farthest toward your financial success?

5) What could you change in order to surround yourself only with people who bring you joy and support?

With awareness, time, and the right support network, financial thermostats can be reset so that no matter how hot it gets, you’ve got it handled.

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