relationship with money

Holiday Spending Hangovers

Holiday spending hangovers: What do holiday overdrinking, overeating, and overspending have in common? We can get stuffed in over our heads before we know it, leading to regret later. The holidays can test our temptation to overcelebrate. While holiday alcohol- or food-induced hangovers are commonly discussed, spending hangovers can bring about equal regret. Thinking Ahead To avoid regret, it helps to think ahead. You might call it an "awareness strategy." What events are coming up that might bring about a temptation to overspend? Nowadays, that strategy might start in October. Halloween is now the second biggest holiday for consumer spending after Christmas. What used to be a couple hours of candy collection with a homemade costume and a paper grocery bag is now practically a national holiday. Multi day trunk-or-treating. Elaborate costumes. Yard decorations needing extensions upon extension cords. On November 1, where does all the Halloween stuff go? In the attic, the garage, the storage unit, or the garbage? And what about the candy? Halloween often leads to sugar, spending, and stuff hangovers. Next comes Thanksgiving, where we stuff ourselves with, literally, stuffing. Some then stuff our brains with football and TV. Some families stuff all the important conversations for the past year into a few hours at the table. The air is stuffed with emotions. And spending can often be a coping mechanism for difficult emotions. It seems all the Thanksgiving hangovers - food, football, TV, and feelings - start with stuffing. And finally if you celebrate it, Christmas, the king of holiday hangover potential. Must-have new decorations, the tallest tree, fancy food, family gatherings, parties, gotta-get gifts, candy, cake, and alcohol all stuffed into a few short weeks. Moderation choices might start out strong. But decision fatigue can quickly take over. Come January, depleted bank statements and depleted emotions can bring on the same headaches as too much cookies and eggnog. Thinking ahead to all of the opportunities to spend gives you a head start on avoiding regret later. Ask What is coming up where I will want or need to spend on a holiday? What does the spending event entail? What are alternative ways to achieve my goal for the spending event? Imagine it's January. When you look at your bank and/or credit card balances, what's a reasonable figure for you to be at then? Start with that as your goal. Release Self-Judgment Before launching into ways to criticize decisions before you have even made them, remember that it's ok to splurge. It just takes a little thinking ahead, strategy, self-care and balance. Deprivation generally doesn't work. Mindful Spending Strategies For some people, simply having a January bank balance goal is enough to help them stay focused throughout the season. Others need more concrete ideas. Here are a couple: Plan most or all of your shopping at one or two stores. Buy yourself a gift card for that store with the total amount you can spend that allows you to make your January goal. Ask for…

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What Is Retired Husband Syndrome?

What is retired husband syndrome? I first heard of Retired Husband Syndrome (RHS) at a book signing in 2013. From across the book section in the exhibit hall, I saw a young man with jet black hair staring at the back of my newly-published book, The Mindful Money Mentality: How to Find Balance in Your Financial Future. He turned it over, opened to the table of contents, flipped a few pages, and turned it over again. Until that point, he acted like other book-browsers – look at back, flip to front, open to table of contents, flip to back, flip again. Some would then take the book to the register. Others set it back on the shelf. The whole decision took less than 2 minutes. But this young man took so long reading, I wondered if he might consume the whole book right there. Then I quit watching, distracted by conversation with another attendee. When I turned back to look for him, he was gone. Figuring he had decided against it, I was surprised a couple of hours later to see he was the first in line at the book signing. Retired Husband Syndrome – in South Korea Approaching with an enthusiastic smile, he said “Hello” in a heavy Asian accent. He was from Seoul, South Korea, and said that he thought my book would be helpful to his male clients. Unsure why he was excluding the female ones, I readied my pen to sign, but asked him to tell me more. “In Asia, we have Retired Husband Syndrome (RHS),” he said. “I’ve never heard of that. What is it?” I asked, putting the pen down. “Some husbands spend their whole lives working for a company, and when they retire, they are at home, and it is not good for the marriage. The husband loses his identity because he is not in his job anymore, and he wants to be home with his wife. The wife has been at home her whole life, but she doesn’t like the husband being there, doing nothing.” “So sometimes the retired husbands do…nothing? They don’t have hobbies or hang out with their friends?” “Yes, that’s right.” “Wow. So you must see a lot of marriage problems in your practice?” “Yes! And it is too bad. They have a pension, but the couples never spend time planning what they will do.” He explained more about the strain on the marriage; the sadness he sees at a time when there could be great joy and celebration; and the effect on their children and the families. "This makes me sad. Sometimes I am going to be the only person outside of the family who might see it. All of the financial advisors in Seoul could help people with this. This is preventable.” Retirement Planning Is About More Than Money I once heard a conference speaker say, “We spend more time planning what we’re going to eat for lunch than how we will spend a 30-year period of…

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Money: Values, Behaviors, Habits and Change

Money values, behaviors, habits, and change: Perhaps there is something about middle age, or a pandemic, that creates the urge to examine values, behaviors, habits, and change. At my 25th college reunion, I had breakfast with a college friend who worked for our alma mater, Davidson College. She had attended lots of reunions. I asked about her observations of reunion attendees. She said something like, “At the 10-year mark, everyone’s comparing notes – who has how many kids, who has graduate degrees, what they did for vacations, what kind of home they live in, etc." In other words, their money values tended to be focused on status. "By the 25th, nearly everyone has experienced some kind of life event, and they are a lot more mellow. The other stuff must not seem as important.” So, values shift as life unfolds. Values drive behaviors, which become habits. When we begin to question the behaviors and habits, we become ready for change. And that's how growth happens. Eventually this process can work its way into finances. Beginning to Examine Behaviors - Eating Habits My own path to behavior change didn't start with money. It started with eating. One of my first experiences with behavior change was through Weight Watchers. I was 35 years old, 5'3" and 15 pounds overweight. I decided that I valued being healthy more than enjoying unhealthy food. I lost 20 pounds and gained 5 back, but kept it off. How did I do it? Tracking and accountability. Whenever my clothes got tight, I would write down everything I ate. This helped me track and change my eating behaviors permanently. Ironically, tracking and accountability had come naturally to me with money. I wrote my first budget at age 9, and had tracked my money ever since. This made me a good saver, but later I learned it didn't necessarily mean I had a good relationship with money. Conversational Habits Next I moved to healthier conversation habits. The values of listening well and feeling heard became more important. I learned that “listening” does not mean, “Wait until the other person is finished talking so I can say what I want to say.” Listening means to suspend all noise and chatter in my head; and reflect on what I am hearing. To eliminate the noise and chatter, I acquired a rule: Anything that I want to say while someone else is talking, I am not allowed to say. Like any other habit change, it took conscious effort at first. When I think of something I want to say, I let it go, stay present, and listen. I found that, if I truly wanted to understand someone then what I wanted to say would have gotten in the way of that. My conversational habits, and relationships, improved. Money Values, Behavior, Habits and Change My money habits needed improvement too. I used to overtrack my spending and worry unnecessarily about it. This led to a habit of denying myself some things that would…

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Read more about the article The Ideal Retirement Plan: It’s About More Than Money

The Ideal Retirement Plan: It’s About More Than Money

The best retirement plans start with a plan for a fulfilling life first, then match up the plan with money decisions. That's why good planners ask, what's the money for? For most, it's not to support boredom, stagnation and decline. If you define what an ideal retirement means first for you, then your retirement plan and your retirement life have far better chances of success.

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Document Your Digital Assets

Document your digital assets. Imagine you have a nearly $1 billion empire of music, movies, and royalties. Sound good? Now imagine you have no will, aren't in a committed relationship, and have no children. Where and how do you begin to decide what should happen to your empire? Prince's untimely death in 2016, and his lack of estate planning, brought to mind that the more we have, the more we have to plan for it. Celebrities’ attorneys, accountants, and financial advisors try to keep up with constant changes to their clients' property, especially when it comes to protecting intellectual property like music and videos. The longer a celebrity waits to address an ever-growing empire, the harder the decisions are to make for everyone involved. They find it's better to address changes as they happen, even it means more frequent revisions. Back in the Real World So what does this have to do with little ol' you? While you may not feel as though you have a digital empire, your online life might be more complicated than you think. It's estimated the average American has between 30 and 80 online accounts with passwords. For example, an attorney had a father-in-law who ran 3 businesses from his Blackberry. When he died suddenly in 2011, she was shocked at how difficult it was to access his emails, accounts, and online life. Every online provider had different requirements. This was her introduction to the concept of the "digital asset," and, as a result, she became an expert in that niche. Keeping track of digital assets can be overwhelming, but you can begin with 4 main types - personal, financial, business, and social: Digital Personal Assets Photos, Movies, Books, E-books, Music, and Podcasts. Unlike your Simon and Garfunkel records, Michael Jackson CD's, or Rocky DVDs that the kids will get whether they want them or not, there are some e-libraries you can't leave to anyone. For example, access to Kindle and iTunes libraries die with their owners.  For all your photos and videos stored in the cloud, make sure you have a backup, especially if it's iCloud. Upon proof of death, all content in an iCloud account is deleted. Digital Financial Assets Bank, Brokerage, PayPal, Frequent Flyer, Bitcoin, etc. Did you sign up for paperless statements? Good for you, but make sure you have documented somewhere that the accounts exist. If no one can get into your email, and you haven't kept good notes or a plan somewhere, they may not know you opened a new Treasury Direct account or I-bonds account. Digital Business Assets Blogs, E-books, Books, E-commerce sites. Intellectual property is often housed digitally. Have you inventoried any copyrighted works and addressed them in your estate planning documents? Can someone get to them in a way that will continue to produce revenue or royalties? Digital Social Accounts Email, Text messages, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn, etc..  An elderly friend of mine passed away 6 years ago but his face and profile still pop…

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Read more about the article 2021 Book Reviews

2021 Book Reviews

2021 Book Reviews: Last year I read or listened to 48 books. That's not a number particularly worth bragging about (I think my bookworm mother probably read twice that many). But, it was enough that I felt like I was learning, re-learning, or being entertained from other authors constantly. Of the 48, below are those selected for recommendations this year, arranged by topic. For past recommended books, check the Resources page. It includes other recommendations for finance, lifestyle, and life improvement books. Fiction 19 of the 48 I read were fiction. Of those, The Dictionary of Lost Words, by Pip Williams, was my favorite. Taking place in Oxford, England in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, it chronicles how certain words were left out of the original Oxford English Dictionary. Told from the point of view one of the original editors' daughters, it reveals the subtle dismissal of women, of the poor, and the uneducated through leaving out their vocabulary. The daughter, who starts out as a youngster underneath her father's working table, makes her own collection of "lost words" that were literally left on the cutting room floor. Ultimately she becomes a respected scholar, though still with the inferior rank of being a woman in a man's profession. Women in male-dominated professions everywhere will relate well to this story. Psychology of Money I always include this topic in the annual book review list. Last year finally saw the publishing of a book with the actual title The Psychology of Money: Timeless Lessons on Wealth, Greed, and Happiness, by Morgan Housel. Housel reviews the many different tricks our minds play on us when it comes to money, why, and what we can do about it. The field of behavioral economics, upon which the book is based, is difficult to explain in layman's terms, but Housel does an excellent job. Finance Reverse Mortgages, by Wade Pfau, Ph.D. Dr. Pfau upended the financial planning profession nearly 7 years ago when he published research saying, "Financial advisors are not doing their jobs if they aren't at least considering reverse mortgages." Initially brushed off, subsequent independent studies have confirmed his findings. Regulations have tightened and these products have evolved into a legitimate option for many different financial goals. His book outlines the details, which can be quite complex, but understandable to non-professional readers. It's now a reference book on my shelf. I am including it here for the second year in a row because I referenced it enough in 2021 to have read it again. Life-Improvement: (also known as "self-help") Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World, by Cal Newport, was a perfect segue from reading "Rest" two years ago. Both books emphasize the importance of pausing, rest, and breaks in doing work that requires great focus. Newport begins by listing all the ways that society and our screens keep us distracted. We end up working mostly on superficial tasks. To get into the deep work space, most people require…

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Read more about the article Monthly Money Dates

Monthly Money Dates

Monthly money dates sure don’t sound very romantic. However, it’s said that money and sex are the two biggest reasons for divorce*. Could it be just a coincidence they are also two of the most difficult topics for couples to discuss? So perhaps it might make sense to figure out how to talk about them. Making regular times to talk about a difficult topic can often break down walls within other relationship areas. In fact, a money date doesn’t have to last that long. Probably at most 15 minutes. (Unlike that other difficult topic, quicker is better.) One suggested format for a money date has 3 parts, with each partner taking turns: For Part 1: “Here’s what I contributed this month.” And Part 2: “Here’s what I see for major expenditures coming up.” Then Part 3: “How are we doing?” Money Date Part 1: What You Contributed First, telling what you contributed, no matter how big or small, starts the conversation with recognition for your efforts. If one partner stays home or is out of work, find a way to recognize other ways you contribute – whether it’s nurturing the kids or searching for that next great job. Money Date Part 2: Upcoming Expenditures Second, talking about what’s coming up, or could come up, leaves little room for unpleasant surprises. While this may be the hardest part of the conversation, it’s placed here for a reason. Psychological studies show that thinking about how much we spend or have spent can induce the same emotions that lead to depression. On the other hand, counting what we have induces the same emotions that lead to happiness and fulfillment. That’s why the spending question is sandwiched between the other two. Money Date Part 3: How Are We Doing? Third, how well you are doing? Ask, what goals are worth tracking? If you are unsure where to start, try the following four indicators: retirement accounts; savings levels; debt levels; and charitable giving. Rather than constantly comparing to an ideal number, find a way to recognize progress from where you were at some point in the past. No matter where you might see room for improvement, walk away with at least one thing you can both point to and be glad or hopeful about. Money Date Wrap-up: What Next? Sharing your hopes and working through challenges about money decisions, even for 15 minutes, can be an intimate couples exercise. If you follow this formula successfully, you might find you're a little more interested in that other intimate topic that’s hard to talk about. (And feel free to take longer than 15 minutes for that one.) For more tips on the psychology of money, subscribe to the award-winning monthly e-letter, "The View From the Porch," at https://bit.ly/3t2uwfn, check out Holly's book, The Mindful Money Mentality: How To Find Balance in Your Financial Future, or sign up for the online Retirement Readiness course. *see Dr. Dae Sheridan's Tedx Talk, "Real Talk about 'The Talk'"

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What Is Financial Anorexia?

What is financial anorexia? Financial anorexia is a type of spending disorder. People who suffer from the eating disorder of anorexia may obsess about food and the number on the scale. People who suffer from the financial disorder may obsess about money and the number on their statement(s). For those suffering - and it is indeed suffering - from financial anorexia, they never believe they have enough to enjoy what they’ve got. According to Ken Donaldson, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor in Seminole, Florida, “Anorexia is characterized by a distortion of perception.” Someone suffering from the eating disorder believes they still need to lose a few extra pounds, when to everyone else it’s clear they are harming themselves. Someone suffering from the financial one believes they still need more money, when it’s clear they are depriving themselves. While the eating disorder of anorexia can be fatal, financial anorexia can be dangerous to mental health, friendships, and family relationships. Think about how it feels to be with someone engaged more in extreme deprivation than in enjoying life's simple pleasures. Where Does Financial Anorexia Come From? Anorexia is fueled by isolation - the more the sufferer depends upon their own distorted perception, the worse their condition becomes. For example, Ebenezer Scrooge (in the beginning of Dickens’ tale), is an isolated penny-pincher and money hoarder. He is the stereotype of the financial anorexic. Additionally, our culture still worships conspicuous wealth and Twiggy-like figures. “You can’t be too rich or too thin,” sums it up. Most people understand the “too thin” part, but “too rich”? Is it possible to be "too rich"? Financial anorexics typically accumulate an abundance of resources. Their wealth does not come from a healthy relationship with money. Rather, fear is at its root. They might be "too rich" for their actual needs. Further, the more they have, the more they have to lose, or fear losing. What are they afraid of? Fears might include: that it will disappear tomorrow in a catastrophic world event; a very expensive health issue; hyper-inflation; becoming dependent upon adult children; “spoiling” family members; or that self-worth will fall in lockstep with net worth. Certainly some of these things can and do happen. Yet our societal messages, and brains wired to look out for danger, emphasize catastrophic scenarios past the point of their actual probability. At some point in life, many financial anorexics realize, to their immense regret, that they worried more about what might happen, and didn't, than enjoyed what they actually had. What Can Be Done About It? Exposure to new information sources is one method of help. According to Donaldson, “New information will disrupt the pattern.” Support groups, a counselor, and therapy can provide external points of view. For financial anorexia, a visit with an understanding financial professional, who can provide concrete reassurance, often is a good first step. Sometimes the new information has to come from, unfortunately, from a painful life-altering event. How did Scrooge turn around? By exposure to his past, present, and…

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What’s a Holiday Spending Style?

What's a holiday spending style? It's the approach you take to spending money on others. How do you decide what to spend at the holidays, and on whom? In her program, Money Habitudes http://www.moneyhabitudes.com, Dr. Syble Solomon breaks down our money habits and attitudes into several different styles. Here are how a few of those styles might apply to holiday spending. Spending Style: Status After earning my first real money at 15, I made a list and a budget for each person on it. A few years later, at age 20, I looked at the list of names, each with a dollar sign beside them, and thought "Yikes!" It could appear as if each person had a price tag. At the time, I didn’t know it, but I was operating under one of Dr. Solomon's six spending styles, the one involving “status.” In other words, I was too concerned what other people would think about my spending decisions, and as a result, I spent too much. So next,  I made a “total” budget, and tried to keep track as I went along on how I was doing. Yet that didn’t work very well, since I could always find an excuse to break the budget on something to keep it “fair.” Spending Style: Security If you spend very little on others, and on yourself, because you are concerned you may need it for an emergency, you might have the "security" spending style. You might do the bare minimum necessary to get invited back to next year’s turkey dinner. Or you might find ways to celebrate other than spending money. Spending Style: Idealist Idealist – If you reject the materialism of the holidays, then you might give everyone something home-made, like cookies, or your own artistic creation. You have the hardest time of all styles making a spending plan, because you despise handling money matters. Spending Style: Spontaneous This style can’t wait to see what great ideas are presented each year by retailers. Perhaps you make a spending plan, but you have a tough time sticking to it because of all the fun temptations and opportunities to purchase the perfect gifts presented to you right before checking out. Spending Style: Caretaker Caretakers see gift-giving as a way to show how much you care about people. Your spending plan might be more generous than other spending styles (but hopefully not more generous than is financially wise). Spending Style: Goal-Oriented Your most important concern is staying within your spending plan. It may take you longer to get your shopping done in order to find the right gift-cost combinations. What's Your Style? If you exhibit more than one holiday spending style, that is a good thing. The key is not to take any one style to an extreme. If you can make a spending plan that is wise for your situation, shows your love and affection for others, and still allows for some guilt-free spontaneity, you have probably found the combination that will bring you,…

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Decision Fatigue and Shopping

Decision fatigue is a real thing. I discovered this poignantly on a recent shopping trip. The mission was simple: Buy a spice rack. I figured the best shot was at Bed Bath Beyond (BBB); a store I had not entered in over a year, much less at the holidays. I had a specific size and type in mind, so there was no doubt BBB would provide all the choices I needed. Little did I know that trip would be the beginning of the end of my day’s productivity. Upon entering, I scanned quickly, bypassing a cart to stay focused on the single item I wanted. Smugly, I glided past the holiday specials to the kitchen department. Lo and behold, there were spice racks. And all kinds of other racks. An embarrassment of choices. Because I like choices (or thought I did until this day), before long, I was nose to nose with shelves and shelves of plastic, rubber, wood, aluminum, and chrome gadgets, and doodads for kitchen storage problems I didn’t even know I had. It was an assault on my single-mindedness. More than once, something other than a spice rack caught my eye. At first, I had the mental wherewithal to ignore them. Decision Fatigue Begins As the minutes wore on, my brain was presented with dozens of items for which a decision had to be made. Does it look like what I came for? If yes, is it the right size and type? If no, move to next item. As this process continued, some strangely gleeful part of my brain, a la Martha Stewart, said, “It’s not the spice rack, but….is it something I COULD use? Hmmmm…it looks very handy. And sleek, too! After all….maybe it could make even more room in the cabinet?” The cabinet, of course, had nothing to do with the spice rack. “STOP IT,” another Jean-Chatzky-part of my brain, said. “You are here to get the spice rack. Move on.” Next doodad. Does this look like the spice rack? No, not quite. Yet, the label showed the entire matching doodad set in a fantasy-organized kitchen. Then that Martha Stewart voice again, “Oh, wouldn’t it be cool if my whole kitchen looked like this doodad’s label?” “STOP IT,” Jean intervened. “You would have to buy every doodad like it in here, which is a) exactly what you did not come here to do and b) doesn’t even include a spice rack. Next item!” And so it went….back and forth over a dozen items for fifteen minutes. My mental wherewithal was waning. Finally, I found exactly what I was looking for and grabbed it. Decision Fatigue Leads to Aimless Shopping By then, Martha and Jean had gone 144 rounds. I felt drained. So why did I feel like, oh, taking a look around? Just to see if there was something I couldn’t live without? I got to the bath side and wondered what got into me. To check out, I had to walk the gauntlet of…

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