relationship with money

How To Avoid Holiday Spending Hangovers

How to avoid holiday spending hangovers: How do you get through the season without one type of hangover or another? Halloween is now the second biggest holiday for consumer spending after Christmas. What used to be a couple hours of candy collection with a homemade costume and a paper grocery bag is now practically a national holiday. More candy is consumed. More costumes are purchased. Yard decorations have grown to need extension cords with extensions. When it's all over, where does all the stuff go? In the attic, the garage, the storage unit, or the garbage? Thus, the Halloween spending hangover starts with stuff. Next comes Thanksgiving, where we stuff ourselves with, literally, stuffing. We stuff our brains with football and TV. Some families stuff all of the important conversations for the past year into a few hours at the table. The air is stuffed with emotions. Thus, several types of Thanksgiving hangovers start with stuffing. And finally, Christmas, the king of holiday stuff. Decorations, trees, food, family, parties, gifts, more candy, cake, and alcohol can all lead to some kind of hangover. When it's over, depleted bank statements and depleted emotions can cause the same headache as chips and eggnog. Christmas - king of stuffed hangovers. What do overdrinking, weight gain, TV watching, family dynamics, and overspending have in common? Unaware, we are stuffed in over our heads before we know it, leading to regret later. How can it be caught before it goes too far? Have an Awareness Strategy To avoid regret later, it helps to have an awareness strategy to keep track along the way. For example, I joined Weight Watchers in December 2000. The best tool of the program for me was the daily journal. Logging what I ate every day had more impact on my diet decisionmaking than any other single factor. It brought the awareness to what I was eating. I lost 20 pounds by the next Christmas. Similarly, when a group of experimental homeowners were given an electric meter next to their thermostat, they used 7% to 19% less electricity than those with outside meters. Another proof that awareness works. Ideas For Building Spending Awareness The holiday season often leads to a spending hangover. The most effective, and for some, drastic method is to use cash. But it's not the most Covid-friendly method. Here's how it can go: Decide on the holiday spending maximum.Take that amount of cash out of the ATM.Go shopping at physical stores that will take cash.When it's gone, you're done shopping.Voila', no hangover. Some people even keep a separate envelope for each person on their list (kind of crude, but effective). [And my grandmother would have wanted me to add that it's physically risky to carry around a bunch of cash, especially at the holidays, so be aware of your surroundings while using this method, too.] What About Online Shopping Increasingly, though, holiday shopping is being done online. You could use the same concept, but use a pre-paid debit…

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Who Wants to Play Halloween Scrooge?

Who wants to play Halloween Scrooge with me? Let's visit with the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Future, and Present. The Ghost of Halloween Past shows us a grocery store on October 15. In the back are a couple of aisles with bags of candy, plastic pumpkins, and a few witch and ghost costumes that smell like fresh polyester. No blowup yard characters. Or 50-foot extension cords. No flashing orange and black house lights. Or pet costumes. No assaulting of all senses at the store entrance. The Ghost of Halloween Future shows us entire neighborhoods festooned with wireless flashing lights. Competitions for tallest and scariest yard holograms, many of which resemble politicians. Entrance fees to trick or treat in your own backyard. (Automatically deducted from your watch when you walk up to the first house.) The Ghost of Halloween Present, or Halloween Spirit, intervenes and reminds us that of all holidays, Halloween comes with the least sense of obligation. Although the origins may be macabre, it’s a pretty harmless, purely letting-off-steam celebration. What's wrong with going over the top with no pressures once a year? Scrooge or Spirit? Surveying the temptations, Halloween Scrooge says, “Money is better saved than spent, especially on wasteful things like bags of 100 Snickers and plastic witches.” "But," says Halloween Spirit, "So what if we gorge ourselves on corn-syrup candy and outlandish pet costumes? We need some FUN!" Which is it in these tough times – irresponsible spending or mentally necessary diversion? Spontaneous Spending Strategies The answer is different for everyone. Do you ever have spending “hangovers"? If so, you may want to try tracking your spending, real-time. There are apps for that (such as Mint, YNAB, or M1). Or an old fashioned little notebook works too. Some people have a play-money amount, or even a separate account, set aside just for spontaneous spending. That's more like serious spontaneous spending. Scrooges Just Want to Have Fun Financial planners may be the most notorious bunch for Scroogeness - failing to appreciate money as a tool for necessary entertainment. We don’t want to be Scrooge to anyone – not our clients, nor our families. Yet our analytical nature can sometimes come across that way. Spending with healthy enjoyment is one of the greatest balancing acts we can all learn. Whether you plan your shopping ahead of time, or spend with abandon, make your Halloween hangover-free. And Scrooge would say, save some leftover candy for Christmas stockings. To show financial planners can have a little fun, enjoy this flashback Halloween Scrooge video: https://www.hollydonaldsonfinancialplanner.com/vlog/#mxYouTubeR0b60a4a432df04ee6c0890a8f2f19e1d-53

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Holiday Thoughts on Accepting Gifts Graciously

Accepting gifts graciously can be difficult. “Oh, thank you…but I didn’t get you anything!” How often has that awkward response ruined a nice giving moment? We are wired for reciprocity. It’s hard to accept a gift without feeling the need to give one back. For a long time I struggled with this. Sometimes I didn’t give gifts that I wanted to, because I was afraid of imposing an obligation with my gift! How silly. It took time to realize not everyone thinks the same way. Some people can accept a gift graciously. I learned that when someone has the desire to say Thank You, Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, or Happy Arbor Day with a gift, a little gratitude is all that’s needed to make the kind gesture complete. The Best Gifts The best gifts, in fact, might not even arrive in a package. Several years ago, I wanted to give my Toastmasters group a gift, a final thank-you speech, to express in 10 minutes how the program and its members changed my life. The response to my going-away speech was overwhelming – appreciative tears all around. I gave a gift; and immediately, unexpectedly, got 30 gifts back. In my past, I would have said, “Thanks, but I wasn’t THAT good,” or found a way to deflect the praise. Not very gracious. Instead, I soaked it up with as much grace, courage, and humility as I could muster. Because I allowed that to happen, the exchange felt complete. I left the speech on an emotional high, and I hope everyone else did, too. Navigating Expectations If I am moved to be the generous gift-giver, I check in - am I doing so without expectations, out of the goodness of my heart? There's a saying that I bear in mind, "Expectations are premeditated resentments." On the other hand, if I am overwhelmed with someone else’s generosity – intangible, tangible, or financial – how will I handle it? How often can we graciously accept, honor the giver's gesture, and allow the exchange to be complete, especially when it feels like a lot? With so many messages about self-determination, independence, and not “needing” others in our lives to get by, it can be easy to forget how gift exchanges weave the fabric of our support networks - friends, colleagues, community and family - together. Handled well, exchanging grows and beautifies the fabric. When not handled so well, or not happening at all, the fabric rips apart. How Will You Handle Gifts? Accepting gifts graciously pays rewards. Consider what giving and receiving this season will do for you and for those around you. With a plan for handling both sides of giving, we have the potential to enter the new year with relationships that feel richer. And enriched relationships are the best gifts for all involved.

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Does More Money Lead To A Happier Relationship?

“Finances play a role in determining marital happiness, and conversely, marital happiness and stability influence a client's long term financial plan." This was part of the conclusion of a study on money and marital happiness published in the August 2015 Journal of Financial Planning (the JFP study). Marital happiness and money agreement, it shows, are linked to a degree that if one is doing well, the other is inclined to follow. Unfortunately, the reverse is true, too. Frequency of money arguments has been found in past studies to be a predictor of divorce.  This more recent study supports that conclusion, too. According to another survey, published in June 2014's Money magazine, of all age groups, couples in their 30s have the most arguments about money. Argument frequency declines as couples age; and moreso if they have no children, or no children at home. Money Arguments have nothing to do with levels of income. But interestingly, both studies show that money arguments have nothing to do with levels of income. Whether couples are barely scraping by, or living large, if the couple isn't on the same page about money, more of it won't make the relationship any better. There are many tools and resources available for couples who want to work on a better relationship with money. One that I use in my practice are Money Habitudes(TM) cards, by Professor Syble Solomon. The cards help bring awareness to our money "scripts" and how they differ between partners. There are also too many books to mention here.  Email me at holly@hollydonaldsonfinancialplanner.com if you would like a resource list. Sometimes Professional Help is Needed Financial professionals can be of some help to couples struggling with money issues.  Sometimes a financial therapist or mental health professional is needed to work on other factors that contribute to marital happiness first - such as self-esteem; perceived control over one's life; and agreement about chores and children - the two topics in the JFP study that beat out money in the top 3 for argument frequency. There is no denying it - the relationship we have with money itself sets the tone for the relationships we have with significant others. It's in everyone's best interest to do what we can to improve it.

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Retirement Life: More Than Money at Stake

I knew a man who couldn’t wait to retire from his government job. Because of decades of hard work and wise money decisions, he was able to call it quits at 55. Thrilled with his newfound freedom, he immediately took to cooking, golf, dating (he had divorced at 49), traveling, fishing, and having fun. For the first few years, every time I saw him, I could see the lack of work responsibilities had lightened his step and his heart. After about ten years, he moved to a Florida retirement community where the roofs and mailboxes are almost identical and one of the few ways to stand out is by the cover on your golf cart. It seemed to outsiders that everyone looked the same, dressed the same, exercised the same, but seemed happy with their life in the sunshine. Yet one day on the phone he said, “Y’know, I really like talking with you. I don’t have anybody to talk to here.” I was shocked. “What? Surely there are some retired CEOs, executives, people that think like you, that play golf, and that you have a lot in common with.” “Nah,” he said, “I don’t have that much in common with anybody here.” I thought that was crazy. He looked like all the rest of them, dressed like them, played golf and pickleball like them. He probably was just as well off, financially, as any of them. How could he not have someone to relate to? Unfortunately at that time, I was unfamiliar with the signs of depression. Five years later, it took his life. Myths About The "Ideal" Retirement According to writer Mitch Anthony,  there are three myths about the “ideal” retirement: “This part of my life is going to be about ME.” Anthony says, “This is a formula for emptiness.” “I am going to surround myself with people like ME.” Anthony’s reply: “This is a formula for stagnation.” “I am going to do nothing but relax.” Anthony: “This is a formula for boredom.” Emptiness, stagnation, and boredom. Doesn’t sound much like the ideal retirement. A Mayo Clinic gerontologist told Anthony, “A life of total ease is two steps removed from a life of total disease.The first step is that they get bored, the second step is that they grow pessimistic, and then they get ill.” The "Dark Side" of retirement This is what writer Robert Laura termed the “dark side” of retirement. For some who don’t think about how to bring meaning and purpose to their life after work, serious mental health maladies, like depression and addiction, await. Florida retirement communities have some of the highest suicide rates in the country, particularly among white males over 65 years old. Women seem to fare better. Anecdotally, several women I know have vibrant lives in retirement communities, filled with volunteering, teaching others, and various circles of friends. South Dakota financial planner Rick Kahler responded to Laura’s article with several wise suggestions: Ask yourself how much of your identity is tied up in what you do, rather…

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Money Worrier Or Money Warrior?

"Worry is the misuse of the imagination," said Dan Zadra. Much of my life I have spent misusing my imagination, attempting to prepare for crises that never happened, only to be blindsided by the ones that did. I am a classic money worrier. 1987 The first unexpected financial crisis I remember was the October 1987 stockmarket crash. I was 21 years old, and had a small savings account and a 401K.  A friend who worked at Smith Barney in my building came to my office looking like Chicken Little: eyes bulging, sweating, arms flailing, yelling, and grabbing his hair. Although I rarely become that animated, I could identify with how he felt. Change My Thinking? Right. Later, I heard, if I didn't want to worry so much, all I had to do was change my thinking. Easier said than done, for me. It's taken at least 10 years to begin to grasp how to think like a warrior instead of a worrier. When it comes to money, there is ample soil for worries to root. To list all the ones I've had myself, and heard in my office, would take a whole book, but the most common ones seem to be, "What if I screw up this investing stuff?" "What if I don't have enough?" or some version of, "What will happen to me in an economic catastrophe?"  Worriers first imagine the worst. We don't want to be caught unprepared. Yet now, I realize, it's not possible to prepare for everything my worrying mind can create. Think, Warrior. Warriors are strong in mind and body, but they know that physical strength and mental energy are finite. Both must be used resourcefully. Wise warriors ask: - Is this something I can do anything about? In other words, is it within my control? If not, I am wasting energy. - If I can do something, is it clear what that something is? If yes, then do it or schedule to do it. - If it isn't clear yet what I can do, then I must wait. While I'm waiting, I can use my energy to imagine positive outcomes, perhaps even outcomes that may not require my energy at all. Taking Control Of What We Can Several years ago, I met someone whose worry was that she may not have "enough." At first glance, it wasn't obvious whether or not she was right. So we talked about what she would like to do in her life's next chapter. Her burning desire was to leave the corporate world and teach yoga full-time. She had assumed that would be out of the question. We talked about what sacrifices in her lifestyle - line item by line item - she would be willing to make, and not make, to achieve her dream. After running several scenarios through the financial planning software, she was able to craft her own version of "enough". Through focusing on what she could control - her lifestyle and spending decisions - she gained warrior-like confidence. Her personal…

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Scared of Financial Success?

At one point in my banking career I was in line for a big promotion that involved a panel interview, and I blew it. People who served on the panel couldn’t believe the same person showed up for the interview who showed up for work every day. Instead of feeling pride and confidence when I first heard about the opportunity, I remember feeling discomfort and anxiety with the new title and bonus potential. It made no sense. Because I thought I might be given the opportunity again, I spent the following year working on the internal and external sources of my fear of success. I improved my inner confidence by joining Toastmasters (see that story here); and I improved my external messages by consciously surrounding myself with people who gave me joy and support. It worked: the next year, I aced it, and got the promotion. Research on our messages about money has uncovered that some people may have an inner upper limit they have set on financial success. Past that limit, they become uncomfortable. Unknowingly, they will begin to sabotage themselves.  According to Ken Donaldson, LMHC, an emotional intelligence expert in Seminole Florida and author of Marry Yourself First , the upper limit is set by “history, events, programming, parents, institutions and cultural messages.” Financial professionals often see this with windfalls. When someone has been handed a great deal more money than they have had before, and are uncomfortable with their new position, they may spend it or give it away until they are back in the financial position where they first started. Still others allow the windfall to sit in an account, untouched, unwilling to acknowledge its presence. For some people, the windfall can represent a real or imagined radical change in lifestyle and in relationships. It may give them a new self-identity, and they need time to grieve their old one. Meanwhile, some in their circles will accept them as they are, while others try to drag them down. To address fear of success, self-made or not, work needs to be done on both inside and outside factors. Two steps in this direction: First, write your feelings about your new position today, then imagine how you would like to be spending your life three years from now. Second, surround yourself only with people who bring you joy and support. This may mean saying “no” to people whom you previously said “yes” to, detaching from them in a loving way. Keep the messages of confidence flowing – from the inside and out – to embrace success, rather than ruin it.

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Gaining Wealth and Losing Weight

Behavior change is a funny thing. We can tell ourselves we want to change, even that we have changed, and yet still continue the same behaviors. It only takes a moment to make a choice that runs counter to our intentions, and then we have regret, or guilt, which doesn't tend to help us make better choices next time. Because we have good intentions more of the time than we make bad choices, we can delude ourselves into believing we have been "good," when we really have been quite bad. For several years I was a member of Weight Watchers, one of the most successful weight loss programs in the world. The key to my progress in the program was the journal. I wrote down everything I ate. Weight Watchers assigned a number of points to food and gave me an appropriate daily points budget for my height. The program emphasizes eating whatever you want, but mostly in smaller portions. If you go over budget one day, it is ok, you can make it up the next day. You just try to stay under the budget a week at a time. Toward the end of some weeks, I would find that I hardly had any points left, eating copious quantities of clear vegetable soup to make it to the end. Come the first day of the next week, FINALLY, I could indulge a little. It would be ok because I had every intention of doing better. But that wasn't always the case. I would slip up again. Sometimes at my weekly weigh-in, I would actually have gained. That redoubled my intentions, but not always my behavior. The biggest changes in my behavior came not from my intentions, but my awareness. Without the journal and the check-ins to show me I was drifting, I tended to get blindsided by the magnitude I had gone off course. There are other areas in life where different people have similar illusions. Addiction, in its many flavors, is a disease of perception. The addict perceives they have good intentions to quit, so they are continually surprised when they slip. Regret, guilt, it starts all over, then renewed intentions, and the same behavior. They think maybe their problem really isn't that bad when they aren't making that momentary bad choice. In the meantime, they wreck their lives and the lives of those close to them. When addicts achieve recovery, they often have daily journals, readings, or programs to maintain their awareness, to let them know they are drifting before they make more momentary decisions that threaten their and their loved ones' wellbeing. What about money behaviors? Spending behavior gets a lot of press, and has a lot of similarities to weight loss. But there are also more insidious behaviors that creep into our relationship with money. Sometimes we become addicted to the account balance, or we let its magnitude affect our mood the same way stepping on the morning scale can. Paying too much attention to…

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The Painting Gene

I did not get a painting gene.  By painting, I do not mean the artistic kind, requiring creative talent and the ability to synthesize the world as you see it into a one-of-a-kind colorful expression.  I don't have talent even close to that. No, I mean the kind of painting you use on a wall in your home.  One color, applied with a roller and brush. How can I manage to make a simple task so hard?  I discovered the answer this week.  My financial gene usurped my painting gene.  This means I am genetically incapable of putting enough paint on the apparatus, whichever it is.  Unconsciously and automatically, I want to use as little paint as possible so I do not have to buy more. Experienced paint-people know this is a disaster waiting to happen.  When you do not use enough paint, your wall becomes a collage of streaks and stripes of varying shades and shapes, instead of an uneventful homogenous surface. To fix it you practically have to call in a professional. Thank goodness I was not painting a wall.  I was only priming our subfloor to prepare for carpet.  My husband of 25 years knows better than to put a roller in my hand to paint anything other than something that will be covered up shortly.  He got the painting gene. So we both know (after some trial and error) where I am at my weakest.  But that does not mean my financial gene does not serve me well in other venues.  The trick has been figuring out when to let it do its thing, and when it needs a leash. With all of our money habits and attitudes, in fact, there are times when they contribute to our success, and times when they hinder us.  Before we recognize that difference, we risk painting a financial collage like my subfloor -  varying streaks, stripes, shapes, and shades.  Instead, rather, a financial picture could be an uneventful backdrop to simply living a life. Sometimes it is hard work to discover and admit when we are getting in our own way, but my husband and I have learned that once you map your "talent" genes, you require fewer professionals to fix the mess you made.  It costs less overall, and you stay married longer.

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Does Happiness Buy Money?

"Building wealth is important for your happiness, but focusing on it is not."   So spoke Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener, the "Indiana Jones of positive psychology" at a recent financial conference.   A survey using a Life Satisfaction scale showed that people who value love more than money are way happier than people who value money more than love.  The latter are, in fact, miserable. Much of his research has been in desperately poor areas of the world - the slums of Calcutta, for example.  Calcuttians say Americans cannot be happy because we have too much money, which gives us too much choice and distractions.   People he interviewed in India are, unlike a lot of Americans, happy with themselves and happy with their communities.  More specifically, they are happy with their morals and their looks.  They are not as happy, however, with their health, their income, and their resources.   All of these factors enter into the Life Satisfaction happiness scale. In linking his research to the financial world, when we ask ourselves, "How much do I need to retire?"  "What's my 'number?'"  or "What's the best mutual fund for the 21st century?"  the answer, therefore, is  "It depends."  It depends on what retirement means.  It depends on what the number is for.  It depends on whether it's important to always be searching for more, or to simply have enough.  It depends on whether we are willing to suspend our societal belief that money buys cures for unhappiness. The reverse is more likely.  Happiness can buy us money.  First, in general, happy people are shown to be healthier.  (Biochemically, happy people produce more fibrinogen which avoids blood clots and boosts the immune system.)  Healthier people have lower medical bills = more money.    Second, happy people are shown to get more promotions and pay raises.  People in general are more likely to advocate for happy people.  Network of advocates = more money.  Third,  happy people expect that things can get better.  These expectations may be optimistic, but are also often realistic. Because these positive expectations are achievable, things often do get better, thus reinforcing the expectation. Setbacks are viewed as only temporary, rather than permanent failures.  Living with the expectation that things can get better, as distinct from wallowing in discontent, means a greater sense of current satisfaction and wellbeing.  Wait a minute, isn't this the mental state we have been expecting money to buy for us all along?  Perpetual state of satisfaction and wellbeing = priceless.  Happiness can buy money, because if you are happy, the money you have goes a lot further. How do we get to be one of these happy people if we are not one already?   We must first understand that happiness is not a destination. It is a process. There are three practices that can contribute to it. 1)  Quit making inaccurate predictions of how much happiness we will gain from X or Y.  The reason is, the disappointment of something not meeting our happiness…

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